


Asmodeus VS online dating

by katychan666



Series: Texting Series [26]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Shadowhunters (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Crossover, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-12 23:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20164687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Asmodeus signs up to a dating website - he too wants to find his soulmate. Alec is there to help him to set up his profile 💪💪But Asmodeus soon figures out that online dating is 😳😳😳😱😱😱😱





	Asmodeus VS online dating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shiorino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shiorino/gifts).

Alec was happily minding his own business in his office as he had much stuff to do that day when a text from Asmodeus came in. Because this was his father in law he knew that he shouldn't stall with his replies. They were getting along well but one could never be too careful when it came to the king of Edom and he rubbed his forehead, narrowing his eyes because the text that he got was a little bit… Strange? Alec narrowed his eyes and then read the text again because he thought that he maybe got it wrong and he pressed his lips together. Nope, he read that right and he started chuckling. Oh, he couldn't wait until Magnus would get this news - Asmodeus was apparently thinking of entering the dating scene.

**Asmodeus: ** _ Alec! I just have a little question for you  _ 😈😈.  _ Do you know how these dating sites work because I'm trying to make a profile, but I don't get why they need me to put something motivational into my description. I'll need your help please reply fast. Thank you. Good things await you, Alexander Gideon if you help me out  _ 😏😏😏😏✨

**Alec: ** _ I don't mean to sound rude but why are you thinking about joining a dating site? _ 😂🙈🙈

**Asmodeus: ** _ Because all of my siblings have someone and I'm all alone  _ 😭😭😭  _ this little demon also deserves to love and be loved in return. I want to meet my soulmate  _ 😈🔥🔥

**Alec: ** _ Um, okay? I mean I can try my best… _ 😅

Alec was cackling because since when did he and Magnus become a dating experts? And why were all of them bothering them for advice. Don't get Alec wrong, he loved being of help but he just didn't get it. Yes, he and Magnus had a successful relationships and were goals, but still. It was kind of funny and annoying at times. Just because they were together for years now it didn't mean that they were experts at it. And also - what was with the demons and dating?! Seriously none of them were good at it! Alec had so many questions.

**Asmodeus: ** _ Yes, I knew I could count on you my boy  _ 😈😈.  _ So help me set up my profile! _

**Alec: ** _ Okay… Again I'll try but I don't promise to make miracles as I never really signed up for a dating website so I don't know how exactly this works  _ 😅😅😅

**Asmodeus: ** _ It's okay, you can do this  _ 😈🔥.  _ Okay first they want me to pick a name. How's this: Asmodeus, the Greater demon and ruler of Edom and whole Hell. I mean it is kind of a lie since Edom is only one realm of Hell, but you know I really wanna impress my potential mates  _ 😈😈😈🔥🔥🔥.  _ I want them all to click on me  _ 😏✨

**Alec: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂**

**Alec: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂**

**Asmodeus: ** _ Why are you laughing?!  _ 😱😱😱😱

**Alec: ** _ Look, I know that you ARE the demon and all but I don't think you should really advertise it on a dating site  _ 😂😂😂  _ trust me. People will think you're either crazy or scary, so you better delete that part  _ 😅😅😅

**Asmodeus: ** _ BUT I AM A DEMON. I WILL NOT LIE WHO I AM. DO YOU WANT ME TO PRETEND I'M A MUNDANE?  _ 😱😱😱😱  _ I CAN'T DO THAT FOR I AM A ROYALTY. I HAVE STANDARDS, ALEXANDER GIDEON  _ 😖😖😖😖😖😖

**Alec: ** _ I didn't say you should lie. Maybe just leave it out? _

**Asmodeus: 💡**

**Asmodeus: ** _ I can do that  _ 😈🔥😼

**Asmodeus: ** _ Next is the date of my birth. Hmm. To be honest I don't really know when that happened. I'm younger than most of my brothers… but not all. The Fall took place more than 6000 years ago and I was an angel prior to that, so I wonder. Hmm… Should I put 7000 as my age?  _

**Alec: ** _ … you're joking right?  _ 🙈🙈🙈🙈

**Asmodeus: ** _ I'm really not. I'm ancient and you really can't tell hmm?  _ 😏😏  _ I do look good for my age  _ 😈😈😈😈

**Alec: ** _ Put mid 40s  _ 😅

**Asmodeus: ** _ I BEG YOU A PARDON BUT I DON'T LOOK LIKE A DAY OVER 25  _ 😱😱😱😱

**Alec: ** _ Umm… Sure? _

**Asmodeus: 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱**

**Asmodeus: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭**

**Asmodeus: ** _ Say it isn't so. I'm old  _ 🙈🙈🙈

**Alec: ** _ Not at all. I'm sorry. I didn't… Just put the age as a secret. It'll add mystery. You'll see it'll get people clicking  _ 😏

**Asmodeus: ** _ Are you sure?  _

**Alec: ** _ Oh yes. Very sure, 100%  _ 💪💪💪

**Asmodeus: ** _ Okay. I'm putting all my trust into you. Next part: my hobbies and if I'm a dog or a cat person. I must say this is strange, Mundanes are funny little things. Okay let's see. Hobbies: blood sacrifices, occasional torture sessions and teaching my dragons to fly. Umm and I'm neither. How do you say you're a dragon person? _

Alec's jaw dropped and he shook his head. "By the Angel, I'll need professional help," said Alec as he was very tempted to call Magnus but in the end decided not to as the other was busy with his clients and he really didn't have the time to be dealing with his father and his dating profile.

**Alec: ** _ I'm saying this because I only want the best for you, but you CAN'T put that into the description. Someone will come and arrest you... _ 😂😂😂😂😂😂

**Asmodeus: 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱**

**Asmodeus: ** _ You're right! But then I'll just be lying about who I am  _ 😭😭😭😭😭

**Alec: ** _ I doubt you'll be the only one  _ 😅😅😅  _ people usually tend to lie on sites like this one _ 🙈🙈🙈

**Asmodeus: 😳😳😳😳😳😳**

**Asmodeus: ** _ But here it states they'll find me REAL love and I  _ 😱😱😱😱  _ what do I do? Alec help!! _

**Alec: ** _ Say that you're into magic tricks and that you love spending time with your pets. NOTHING ELSE. OK? _

**Asmodeus: ** _ Okay 🙇 _

**Asmodeus: ** _ Perfect date plan hmm… Oh! 💡 showing them my palace in Edom. Oh I can say I'm a royal. A king  _ 😍😍😍.  _ Ohhh! _

**Alec: ** _ Yeah but don't mention Edom  _ 💁

**Asmodeus: ** _ Yes! I'll leave that out. See how I learn  _ 😎😎😎😎😎.

**Alec: ** _ All set now? _

**Asmodeus: ** _ Yes! I'll let you know how it goes  _ 😏

**Alec: ** _ Best of luck. Go get them tiger  _ 💪💪💪

**Asmodeus: ** 💪💪💪😈😈😈😈🔥🔥🔥🔥

"Oh, man," said Alec and then shook his head. "I  _ have  _ to call Magnus now," he said and wasted absolutely no time to call his husband to tell him what the king of Edom was up to.

* * *

"Lonely demon I will no longer be for love and happiness await me," said Asmodeus happily to himself as he rubbed his palms together and was already looking forward to finding his match. Asmodeus didn't know what kind of magic Mundanes used, but they claimed that they would connect you with the person that would fit you the best. Oh, Asmodeus was beyond excited and then quickly pressed the  _ match me  _ button and held in his breath as the site started loading the results and then he held in his breath when he was finally matched to a few people and Asmodeus perked up, humming.

It didn't take long before he found a familiar face -  _ DukeHastur.  _ Asmodeus' jaw was on the floor because this couldn't be… It was! Asmodeus shuddered because it indeed was the one and only Hastur, the duke of Hell. Asmodeus was interested to see what was written on the profile and he didn't know if he should laugh or be disturbed.  _ I enjoy long walks on the beach 💘.  _ Asmodeus shuddered. "That prick," said Asmodeus and quickly blocked him, rolling his eyes and continued scrolling, questioning the magic of this machine. Maybe it didn't find good matches after all and-

Asmodeus continued scrolling and then saw someone  _ gorgeous.  _ It was a brunette woman and he waggled his eyebrows. "Well, hello there. Must be my lucky day," said Asmodeus and then clicked on the profile, his eyes widening because he yelped when he saw her name.  _ DemonicRuby.  _ "Ruby?!" shrieked Asmodeus and rubbed his eyes. It couldn't be it but the more details he read the more he was sure that this was  _ the _ demon Ruby and Asmodeus wanted to hide. Was all hell on this fucking website?! Ugh.

"Block and next," muttered Asmodeus and then whined. Asmodeus continued aimlessly scrolling through for quite some time and then he started losing all hope. At one point he ran into someone else whose username made him choke on his breath.  _ TheArchangelFuckingGabriel.  _ "I beg you a pardon?!" shrieked Asmodeus. Wasn't Gabriel like in a committed relationship with his Moose? So why- The profile was private, so he couldn't see the picture, but there was description.

_ It is I - Gabriel, the archangel at your service humans. I am here to make your little brains explode with me.I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart (did you get that pun? How amazing am I?  _ 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏)

Asmodeus decided to text his older brother.

**Asmodeus:** _ Care to explain why I found you on a dating site? _

**Gabriel: ** _ Wtf? Why you disturb me when I'm having fun  _ 😭😭

**Asmodeus: ** _ Sorry what were you doing? _

**Gabriel: ** _ Chasing Sammy around the Bunker dressed as a clown  _ 😈😈😈😈

**Asmodeus: ** _ I- how are you the angel and I'm the demon… _

**Gabriel: ** _ So what website? _

**Asmodeus: ** *screenshot attached*

**Gabriel: ** _ That ain't me  _ 😱😱😱😱  _ someone stole my identity  _ 😱😱😱😱😱😱

**Asmodeus: 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱**

**Gabriel: ** _ Befriend him! I need to know who this imposter is. I mean I sound nothing like that. Tarnishing my amazing name like that. He'll feel the wrath of me. _

**Gabriel: ** _ Brb, Moose got away. _

Asmodeus was shaking his head and then did what Gabe told him to do. They managed to find out who it was pretty soon - it was indeed an angel named Gabriel, but he was the fake Gabe. After Gabriel fled Heaven, it seemed that someone else dared to call themselves the Archangel Gabriel. Not that anyone bought it, just him really. Kind of a delusional angel, but well. As long as Gabriel was left alone with his Moose he wasn't going to throw a fit. But he was going to monitor him!

**Gabriel: ** _ What are you doing on the dating website anyway, bro?  _ 😏

**Asmodeus: ** _ I just wanna find love  _ 😭😭😭

**Gabriel: ** _ Dude. Dating sites are literally the worst! _

**Asmodeus: ** _ I'm starting to realise that yeah. 😒. But I'm not giving up  _ 💪💪💪

**Gabriel: ** _ MOOSE STOLE MY CAKE  _ 😱😱

**Asmodeus: ** _ Good, you deserve it. _

**Gabriel: ** _ HOW DARE YOU? _

**Asmodeus: ** _ You started it  _ 💁

And Gabriel didn't reply after that. Asmodeus nodded to himself and continued searching, but the search ended soon after - Asmodeus couldn't carry on. There were… he needed… He was scarred for life and he- needed "Magnus!" shrieked Asmodeus and called his son, who picked up the call and was already giggling.

"How's dating, dad?" asked Magnus and was cracking up - Alexander filled him in and he couldn't believe it. But also he felt bad for his dad. 

"It's horrible. There's only creeps online, you have to help me," said Asmodeus as he gripping onto the phone, shutting off his computer and Magnus grinned. "I found half of hell on there, I can't!" he cried into the phone and Magnus chuckled.

"Online dating is dangerous," said Magnus and Asmodeus nodded. 

"It is!" shrieked Asmodeus. "I'll stick to old school dating. I'll go to a pub or club or I don't know," groaned Asmodeus. "Son, help me, I'm desperate!"

"I'll help you dad, don't worry," promised Magnus after he proceeded by laughing for another few minutes and Alec was cracking up in the back. But then they decided to help the poor demon together and Asmodeus was soon happier.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u for reading  
Leave a comment if u liked it 😂🙈


End file.
